slice of life

I want Jesus more than the picture of us in my mind

You have occupied my mind and heart for a long time. Unknowingly, I have built for you a castle where you were the king and I was the queen. It has been a year since I invited you in.

I started mornings looking forward to nighttime to meet you again. I wanted to tell you about my day and I fancied to ask about yours. I remember how we shared slow dances at midnights along The Way You Look Tonight again and again until my eyelids set off to slumber. It all felt real but I knew it was a gorgeous dream soon to be forgotten.

 

Fire can be controlled yet I consciously fanned the flames. I got burned a lot but God patiently cured the wounds.

 

Tonight, the halls were silent. I packed my bags and took a step out of this make-believe mansion. My person was both brave and scared as I handed the key to the watchful Gatekeeper. I knew in my heart that it was the time I trust Him in whatever He decides to do. He may lock the place down as He pleases, or leave some light open for our returning. It is all up to Him.

And to you, allow me to thank you. Allow me to thank you for not noticing. Allow me to thank you for not reciprocating. Allow me to thank you for obeying God’s plans for you instead of taking detours just because it felt good at the moment. I wish I could say the same for myself, but I failed.

Fire can be controlled yet I consciously fanned the flames. I got burned a lot but God patiently cured the wounds of my self-inflicted heartaches every single time. I hoped to be seen, to be wanted, to be cared for yet I did not want these feelings to stay. I held it all in. I now understand what surrender truly means. I now understand how it feels not to have control over something I want so bad. I now understand to leave my desires upon God’s feet and see His timing unfold according to His purposes.

The pain was sharper in the quietness but so was God’s voice. I grumbled, cried and pleaded but He used my agony to explain to me His definition of love. He told me that love is more than a picture of togetherness. Love is remembering what Jesus endured on the cross even for the sake of the people who didn’t believe in Him. (Isaiah 53:3-5) Love is still love even if it isn’t returned; it gives freely and inspires willingly. (Matthew 5:46) Love doesn’t begin and end with two people, but with God. (1 John 4:19) It brings light to the people that surround it and smiles down to the generations after ours. (Psalm 100:5)

I may still be far from attaining such love, but I’m headed towards it. God is leading me to it.

So if ever I meet you again, it’ll no longer be in the movie I’ve been playing in my mind. You’re free to draft your part of the script. You’re free to pursue whoever you want. And finally, I’m free from my toxic hopes — false hopes of you and me.

If I meet you again, I’ll be walking hand in hand with God. I’ll have the full confidence to greet you hello and walk pass you afterward, unrushed. By then, I won’t give out a sigh of relief but breathe the air of peace. At the sight of your face, I know I’ll look back to what God had successfully taught me. God assured me that lifting up my emotions does not mean I am walking out on love. I’m emptying my hands of the tired future I’ve been keeping to receive the present love poured out to me.

 

The pain was sharper in the quietness but so was God’s voice. I grumbled, cried and pleaded but He used my agony to explain to me His definition of love.

 

It’s nice to know that I don’t have to compete or long for God’s attention because I know that He’s keeping a close watch over me. I don’t have to pretend or to be shy to receive it because this is the kind of love I want coming out from me. I will hope in Him. I will rest in His presence and draw strength in His faithfulness. I’ll continue to dance my way to sleep, but this time I will move on the beat of God’s rhythm and choreography. Moments like these go fast so I’ll savor it.

 

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